Searching for Grace

Last week I struggled with a visit from, Well… Some people I really don’t care for. Those of you who know the sordid history of my relationship with them will sympathise.

I don’t suffer fools gladly, and once my trust has been betrayed it is never extended again. So really, if it were my choice I would never lay eyes on the MoFo’s again. But life is more complicated than that and once in a while I have to play nice.

I feel like I’ve been forced to walk the tight rope between being a bitch and being a doormat, and really, I’m not sure if I like this place in between.

I am trying to find peace with the hurts and ails the world has cast upon me. I am searching to find forgiveness in my heart for people while wading hip deep though more of their bullshit.

Its hard work.

But then I was warned it would be.

I while back I asked a very good (and very Christian) friend of mine to talk to me about forgiveness. At the time I was in a rage. I was consumed by an anger that was quite unlike anything I had ever experienced before. I knew that my anger was unhealthy and that it was serving me no purpose, But I really did not know how to let go. I knew that forgiveness was the key, but my concept of forgiveness was that if I forgave someone I would have to welcome them back in to my life, and that was just not acceptable.

What my friend wrote back was eloquent and perfect.

Forgiveness is a funny thing, and I think that a lot of people misunderstand the Christian position on the subject (at least as it is expressed in the Bible). Forgiveness doesn't require that you forget an offence, or that you trust someone again, either of which would be somewhat naive. If a husband is hitting his wife, a Christian counselor would say to forgive the husband, but to never forget what had happened, and to get out of there right away. Trusting someone who hurts you (assuming it isn't by accident) would be stupid, and the Bible never recommends stupidity.

Forgiveness is a decision you make to let go of hurt feelings, pain, anger and ill will over a situation. The darkness of the bad things that are done to us does not need to be matched by a darkness that it leaves inside us of anger, bitterness and pain. In forgiveness you let go of all of those negative thoughts and emotions, and instead wish for, speak for and act for the wellbeing of the person that has injured you. In a way, forgiveness really doesn't have terribly much to do with the other person. It is a determination that we can be more than the sum of the bad things that are done to us, and that our actions, thoughts and speech can be better, brighter and more powerful than the crap we put up with.

Did I mention that all of this is REALLY hard to do?

Forgiveness is more of a balm to my soul than a licence for some one to hurt me again. It is the permission I give my self to feel positive and uplifted even in the face of crap. And really; those people, who threw the crap in my face in the first place? They aren’t worth the effort of staying mad.


This tight rope is hard to stand on. There are gusts of wind that throw my balance once in a while. I waver. I take a step or to closer to one end or the other. But some times the wind ceases and I am left standing in peace. Perhaps this place in between isn’t so bad after all.