I make no representations about the state of my sanity.

I have not been my self lately. So much so, that my husband has had words with me. People (I am told) are worried.

Sigh.

So what’s up?

That whole eerie calm thing about the Job hunt? Gone. Ran screaming in to the night. And I know the exact moment it happened too. Early last week when I got “paid” I did my banking and it occurred to me that I only have one pay check to go and then.. Well I am SOL.

Why does this scare me so very much? It’s been pounded in to my head from a very early age to be financially responsible. My parents divorced (mostly) over my mothers spectacularly bad spending habits. I have never been late paying any bill.

Yes I could always get a job in a coffee shop, or (god forbid) a photo shop. And yes logically I know that that would just be a stop gap, A thing to fill in the space until a real job comes along, but please note the above. “I make no representations about the state of my sanity”. You see, the beginning of my twelve year decent in to hell that was retail was supposed to be a “stop gap” until a “real” job came along. Part of my very irrational fear is that if I go back, I’ll get stuck there for another twelve years.

I am pushing 40 very hard. I thought by now I would have a carrier.

My in-laws are coming to town.

My client died. –Not Mrs K. The very nice 94 year old lady with Lung cancer. Let’s not even get in to the bitter irony of this.

So is this all an excuse to be a lunatic and an asshole?

No.