Monday, July 06, 2009

Graduation and Hunger

School is over at last.

I have officially graduated, and now I am waiting and studying in anticipation of my Ontario Collage of Massage Therapists Board exams.

I’m relived and slightly melancholy. I am unbelievably relieved to be done with endless Assignments, out reaches,clinics,tests, exams, and oral practicals, I’m going to miss the staff, the teachers were great. My classmates? Not so much. Well, a very few I will miss but for the most part...

Its not that they were all awful, but they were all younger than me, and we had very little in common. Despite the fact that forming relationships with the kids at school was probably doomed from the get go, I feel bummed that I don’t think that I have walked away from this school with any real lasting friendships.

My pride in my accomplishments at school have been rudely tempered with being appalled by my current weight/shape.

And yes, I am probably being hard of my self, yes I have been ill and anemic for over two years, and I haven’t had a great deal of time to exercise thanks to school. But man! I look in to the mirror and I am shocked by what I see.

Who the fuck is that fat lady in the mirror?

Oh shit! That’s me!

I am sick of not being able to buy clothing any where but the “fat” stores.

There was an interesting “Oprha” on this afternoon. (I’m in good company, as Oprha has fallen off the fitness wagon too.) Oprha had been talking about what is causing her to gain weight and has asked the question “what Am I really hungry for?” She sites a lack of balance in her life (Too much work) for her weight gain. I can relate to that, I have been trapped in a small room with a mob of some times irritating youngsters. I haven’t had a great deal of time with people my own age, and I don’t feel like I currently have really close friends to rely on. There is one friendship that is still in the budding stages and there are a few that I have grown to accept are changing or have changed.

So what am I hungry for?

Stability.

Friendships with people who are my age. Friendships were I don't feel confused or like I am doing all the work.

So am going to try to nurture those friendships that I value. I’m going to try to relax about the friendships that are changing.

And like today, I’m going to go to the gym and watch what kind of crap I put in my face.

If I don’t loose any weight I may loose some angst. That would be good.

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2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congratulations on the graduation!!!

And don't worry too much about the weight. The fact that Oprah Winfrey, arguably one of the world's most driven and successful women, someone with a personal chef and a personal trainer, still struggles with her weight, tells me that the real problem probably lies with society's beauty standards, not with Oprah herself.

5:13 PM  
Blogger veronica said...

I think I love you Ariella.

3:58 PM  

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