An Open Letter to “The House Bogats”

Enough with the jokes. Cough up my fucking house keys already.
Now.

So I walk in to the occult shop….

Many moons ago I used to work in the occult shop in Saturdays. I was still living at home and it was a (very) little bit of money. The cash was not what drew my to the shop. Nor was I under any false pretence about advancement in the craft through proximity to the Dick and Tammy show.

The people who worked with me were unique and odd and fun to be around. But the customers… Ah the customers..

A fine example was Wednesday, when I went to the shop to pick up some supplies for making bath bombs. The lovely Nicole assisted me at the oil counter and the two of us watched as the other employee of the shop was driven to near madness by the bizarre questions of one of the clients.

Client: “um you know Gandalf?”
Shop Guy: “Uh, Yeah..”
Client: “Is he… You know, like.. a white witch?”
Shop Guy: “He’s a fictional character.”
Client: “No, No, He’s not really…He’s like, You know, what are those people, there are a bunch of them all over the world … they hang out at stone henge”
Shop Guy: “He’s a wizard.”
Client: “yeah, that’s it! That’s what I want to learn about.”

Nicole rolls her eyes.

I say to Nicole: “You know, back in the dark days when I worked here on the weekends I used to think that if we planted a bunch of cameras all over the place we could have a great sit-com”

Nicole grins at me. “Well I have this blog…”

Go. See. It.
Now.

Family Christmas

Yesterday Igal and I went to my step-mothers side of the families “Family Christmas” My Stepmothers sister and her husband will be going to Florida for the winter shortly and so the family decided that Christmas would come early so that Graces sister J and her husband F could participate.

I used to dread Christmas with this side of the family. Graces sister J was… uppity. That was really putting it nicely. J’s two sons R and Al could do no wrong. And while her sons were not out right hostile to me, they were casually dismissive in ways that I found hurtful – (hell I was 13 when I met them, and looking at me sideways was hurtful back then) But J’s Daughter Ad was the icing on the cake. Ad was perfect. She was popular, thin, and did well in school. Were as I was Fat, had almost no friends and did poorly in school. I don’t know if J was trying to make me feel like a walking piece of shit, but every time we went there she would trot out Ad’s latest accomplishments like some lesson to me as to what I should aspire too. I tried to be Ad’s friend, but after a while it became painfully obvious that Ad really did not have the time of day for me. – I was an unacceptable TWO WHOLE YEARS younger than her. And I was very un-cool.

J’s husband F was also another entertaining piece of work. F – to this day is one of these old guys who is stuck in the 50’s. His pants come up to his ribcage, he’s a misogynist dinosaur who always seems angry (except when he’s crying and telling us he loves us all when he’s pissed drunk) and he REALLY needs to let go of the fucking brill cream and bad comb-over. Every year like clock work F would push himself back from the Christmas table after we had all finished a fantastic meal and say, “Now we all have to think about the children starving in Africa.”

WTF?

This more than anything pissed me off, because that moment of “Turkey-torpor” and red wine bliss was what I had been looking forward too all eavning. And what was worse, even though F made our stomachs curdle with guilt over the starving kids in Africa, F never gave any money to the “Starving Kids in Africa Fund” TM.

Fucker.

So when I was old enough to refuse, for years I avoided that side of the families Christmas parties.

I have to shamefully admit a certain perverse satisfaction when J’s “perfect” daughter Ad started getting heavily involved in drugs and sleeping around with anything with a heart beat. Suddenly J was respectful towards me, and when Igal and I announced our wedding she phoned me and told me that she wished her daughter, Ad, was more like me.

J’s two boys have gotten married. R has three Girls, the oldest is 14 and the youngest is 7, Al has two boys 12 and 9. About Five years ago Ad got married and finally settled down. She seems to be clean and they are clearly happy. They have a dog named “Buddy”

So for the first time in five years I accepted the invitation to the “wrong side” of the family Christmas party.

17 People sat down to three tables strung together. The kids decorated the Christmas tree and even though the presents were only supposed to be for the children, J quietly slipped Igal and me a gift certificate.

It was nice. Al and R were happy to see me and Igal, the children were remarkably well behaved. Ad and her husband promised to keep in touch and we have plans to get together in the new year. It felt like a family Christmas should.

And best of all F kept quiet about the starving children in Africa.