The Goddess

I found my self reading over some bits of "Menya an end of life story" this morning. I was moved to tears, not for the first time, as I read. I have been thinking a lot about my role as a part of this care team, how this has changed me, how powerful the experience has been. Being on the care team for Mrs K has been the most rewarding and at the same time heart wrenching thing I have ever done.

She was in an old age home this week, To give her husband R some respite from her care. I went to see her for my usual shift on Tuesday. Her first night there was horrible. She had no way of ringing the buzzer to let the nurses know that she needed help. She told me that a nurses aid came in saw her foaming at the mouth and choking and left without helping her. –She later heard the same woman screaming at a resident to “shut the hell up”. Before I left for the evening I helped her go to the bathroom and got her tucked in to bed. Getting her into bed was a 45 minute ordeal. I was struck by the level of vulnerability that she dealt with. I smoothed the blankets and kissed her good night and she looked up at me and thanked me for coming to see her. I very nearly started sobbing right then and there. How could I not come?

I worry about her future. She very much wants to live but every day is an ordeal for her husband. He is not far from 60 and I don’t know how much more of this he can take. I am very much afraid that Trinity will abandon her in a few months as her 6 months of care team time will be up. On one hand I hope that she will be like Stephen Hawkins, who has lived with this disease for 20 years and on the other hand I don’t now how she can tolerate the indignities that she must deal with, how her household can withstand the expense and how her husband can take the strain.

On of the things that drew me to the Hospice work was the profound crisis of faith that I have been struggling with for the past few years. I felt that I have not really been a “Priestess”. Doing public ritual is fun. And I am good at it, but at the end of the day what difference does it make? I really don’t think that I was making a difference in people’s lives; I was not serving the gods. I think I have been serving the gods more in the past 6 months of helping Mrs K than I have in 10 plus years of being a Priestess.

In most Wiccan traditions it is believed that Divinity can manifest though and individual. I have attended, written and conducted many rituals were that has been the goal. To see divinity manifested though an individual. This has been one of the central issues of my crisis of faith, -that I have not been convinced that divinity was ever present. But very recently I have come to recognise that I have seen the presence of the Goddess, shining though the eyes of a human. Her lessons have been of courage in the face of despair, dignity throughout all forms of humiliations, and most of all, transformation. Her throne is a wheelchair.

Time...

Well they say this time heals all wounds and all that… I sent the email that has caused me such consternation to Roben, she looked it over and said it wasn’t really that harsh it was just really honest. Looking back on it I have to agree with her.

So why do I still fee all icky inside about the whole thing? I am dealing with a low grade level of anxiety that I cant pin a cause on. I am really hoping that going for a run tonight helps. Perhaps I am scared shitless that this Fundraiser is going to fall on its face.

On a good note I got a phone call from Tracy at THH. I was asked by Mrs K to get a hold of someone she worked with through THH. Tracy was making sure that no privacy issues were muddled with. It was a relief to me to hear from someone. I asked about this contact back on Monday and I was beginning to think that the contact was not interested in helping us.

June will be back on Monday and there will be a team meeting. Hopefully I can get some more details about how THH can help us.

Thanks, Grace and PA

Last night I attended the most uncomfortable company Xmass party I have ever been too. The person who refused to be our MC was there. I begged Igal to let me stay home but he insisted that it would make things look worse than they were if I did not show. UGH! I was really quite bummed about the whole affair. Not so much that we were refused, but the manner in which we were refused. It was IMO a tad harsh.

I phoned my stepmother this morning and vented. She was very encouraging, and basically said that I am doing a good thing and not to let the bastards get me down. I felt better for having spoken to her.

My father called me about an hour later. He told me that he was very proud of me and that I am doing a very good thing. It chokes me up even now writing about it.

Thanks guys, I needed that.

Sigh

I had a really disappointing email from someone whom I had asked to be our MC. I had a really nice talk with Timothy last night and it helped a lot. I just wish that people would get off there asses about this so we could get on with it.

Sometimes you win

We have finally heard from Mrs K’s friend. She does not feel comfortable asking Loreena to be our “ringer”. But all is not lost. I managed to convince her to donate one of her photographs to the silent auction. Score one for Team K. Just after I finished reading the Email from Mrs K’s friend I got a phone call from June of Trinity Home Hospice, asking if it would be OK for THH to help with the fundraiser.
Would it be OK?
Hell yeah!
Score 2 for Team K.
So it is looking like we will have to go through the front door to get to Loreena. Wish us luck.

Itching to get …somewhere..

I have a number of projects on the go right now and for all of them I am in “hurry up and wait” mode.

Roben, Etan and I are putting together a fundraiser for Mrs K. We have a lot of cool ideas in the works and we are trying to get in contact with Loreena McKennitt and see if she will play at the fundraiser. A letter has been sent out to a mutual friend of Mrs. K. and Loreena and now … we are waiting for a response.

The unholy trinity has decided to get together and discuss the fundraiser. We have been niggling back and forth about a date. A difficult thing when we are all so busy.

In the process of doing this I have discovered I am a woman of action. I like getting things done, making progress getting stuff booked. I have no patience at all for waiting, as I am doing now, for Mrs K’s friend to get to me. For Roben and Etan to pick a day to meet.

ARRRRRRRRRRGGG!!!!

Thank you, I feel much better now.

Running

Igal and I went for a 5k run last night. It took 39min, (thus far my best time) and I only had to stop 3 times. God that’s an improvement over three months ago when I could only run for 1 ½ min.

Starting again

Well I decided to give this blogging thing another whirl. Why? Because I feel the need to keep a journal, to celebrate the triumphs of my days, mourn the losses and keep track of ...stuff.

When Auntie Doris died I felt bad that I did not have the blog up and running. I wanted a venue to shout her praises from. So I will be catching up in the next little while ... stay tuned.