Michael Jackson

You would have to have been living under a rock for the past two weeks to not have heard about the death of Michael Jackson.

I was a pretty rabid Micheal Jackson fan in high school. I could moonwalk, I made my self a sequin covered glove, and I managed to go to two concerts.

Yeah pretty rabid.

When I was a little kid I watched the Jacksons on TV. I recall at about age 7 or so telling my father that I was going to marry Micheal Jackson. When Micheal came out with the "Thriller" Video, I along with the rest of the world was pretty smitten. But over the years Micheal went from being cute and eccentric to weird and kind of creepy.

I lost touch with whatever fueled that early Michael adoration. The eccentric behavior, the child molestation chargers and the frankly odd stance on the appropriateness of a 40 plus year old man having sleepovers with children just got too weird.

In his last years his court appearances were marked with a dazed and sluggish appearance when trial was over Michael was said to have gone in to rehab.

So when I heard that Micheal had died, I have to admit that I was not terribly surprised.

I watched the memorial today, quite convinced that I really wasn't going to be moved by what I saw and frankly worried that it would turn in to a three ringed circus. What I saw was remarkably tasteful and moving. The service started and a gospel choir sang "we are going to meet the king" and Michael's brothers wheeled in a shining gold plated casket draped in a blanket of roses.

Suddenly The little kid that I said I was going to marry was dead, the entertainer who had inspired me as a teen, was gone. and a man who seemed to be so innocent and naive was no more.

I cried.

I don't know if Micheal Jackson was guilty of the charges against him. I cant help but think that there was something tragic and flawed even tortured about him.

I have a feeling that the coming weeks will show that Michael did in fact die of a drug overdose, and that people around him took advantage of him.

Good bye Michael, I hope that you have finally found peace

Graduation and Hunger

School is over at last.

I have officially graduated, and now I am waiting and studying in anticipation of my Ontario Collage of Massage Therapists Board exams.

I’m relived and slightly melancholy. I am unbelievably relieved to be done with endless Assignments, out reaches,clinics,tests, exams, and oral practicals, I’m going to miss the staff, the teachers were great. My classmates? Not so much. Well, a very few I will miss but for the most part...

Its not that they were all awful, but they were all younger than me, and we had very little in common. Despite the fact that forming relationships with the kids at school was probably doomed from the get go, I feel bummed that I don’t think that I have walked away from this school with any real lasting friendships.

My pride in my accomplishments at school have been rudely tempered with being appalled by my current weight/shape.

And yes, I am probably being hard of my self, yes I have been ill and anemic for over two years, and I haven’t had a great deal of time to exercise thanks to school. But man! I look in to the mirror and I am shocked by what I see.

Who the fuck is that fat lady in the mirror?

Oh shit! That’s me!

I am sick of not being able to buy clothing any where but the “fat” stores.

There was an interesting “Oprha” on this afternoon. (I’m in good company, as Oprha has fallen off the fitness wagon too.) Oprha had been talking about what is causing her to gain weight and has asked the question “what Am I really hungry for?” She sites a lack of balance in her life (Too much work) for her weight gain. I can relate to that, I have been trapped in a small room with a mob of some times irritating youngsters. I haven’t had a great deal of time with people my own age, and I don’t feel like I currently have really close friends to rely on. There is one friendship that is still in the budding stages and there are a few that I have grown to accept are changing or have changed.

So what am I hungry for?

Stability.

Friendships with people who are my age. Friendships were I don't feel confused or like I am doing all the work.

So am going to try to nurture those friendships that I value. I’m going to try to relax about the friendships that are changing.

And like today, I’m going to go to the gym and watch what kind of crap I put in my face.

If I don’t loose any weight I may loose some angst. That would be good.