Yes, I believe that is my brain leaking out of my ear.

Last weekend on Saturday and Sunday I attended the first two classes of my Pre-Admissions course for Elmcrest. We tore though the information at a brutal pace and I was very glad that I had time to study the book ahead of time.

On Saturday I will have an exam. The passing mark is 75% I have been studying like mad for the past week. I would feel much more calm about the exam were it not for the vast volume of material to be absorbed.

I suspect this is a taste of what is to come.

Did you know that there are 206 named bones in the human body?
Did you know that there are over 700 muscles in the human body?

Over the next two years I will have to memorize them.

All.

EEP!

Time to hit the books again...

Final Exits

Two weeks ago my mother called me and told me that someone that she worked with committed suicide. Last weekend someone at the Hospice I volunteer with committed suicide.

I did not know her very well, my few interactions with her were not particularly wonderful, and she was reprimanded for the way she treated me.

Even though logically, I know that my one encounter with her and the subsequent dressing down that resulted, did not cause (what was described to me as) a profound depression.

I can’t help but feel a little guilty. It was not the straw that broke the camels back, but it was no doubt one of the straws that helped.

One of the staff I spoke to today told me that the on going theme since they found out what happened and also at the funeral was “If Only”

“If Only” I hadn’t.
“If Only” I had.
“If Only” she told me…
“If Only”
“If Only”

I went to the memorial today and was struck by two things:
One: I seemed to be the only one crying. What am I? Some sort of “super suck”?

Two: And more importantly why had no one thought of putting some sort of professional help, crisis line phone numbers, support of any sort in place for the volunteers who may have been shocked and distressed by this.

Statistically, in workplaces and schools where a suicide has taken place a “copy cat” is likely.

What the fuck? Don't these fuckers read?

When I called the hospice last week asking about what had happened, the woman I spoke to said something to the effect of, “I guess she didn’t feel she could reach out to any one." That comment rankled me a little bit. Of course she didn’t feel she could reach out to any one. Any one who has ever been the slightest bit depressed knows that no one wants to be around you when your down. It doesn’t help that depression twists your perspective enough that little or nothing brings you pleasure and the brightest most hopeful of days look bleak.

They say that 50% of people have suicidal thoughts at some time in there lives. I don’t know if the woman I was speaking to that morning had ever had suicidal thoughts, but it seemed to me if she did, it was a long time ago. I think she lost touch with that soulless black emptiness that engulfs one at such times.

I’ve seen the edges of that ugly place, I pray that I, and you, and yours, never, never truly understands that level of despair.


And just in case you’re worried,
I’m fine, thank you.

A little pissed, a little freaked, but fine.

I hate banks, financial institutions, and at the moment, my co-workers.

We have re-negotiated the mortgage so that I might go to school. This was all being transferred to Investors Group from Canada Trust, in the interest of saving, well.. Interest.

All was going well until this morning when we went to the lawyer’s office to sign the final paper work. The intrepid haggis spotted a mistake. A rather large $$$$ mistake. We had renegotiated the mortgage to pay for my school plus a little extra just in case the house decides to need a spectacular repair or the car finally gives up the ghost.

Sounds sane right?

Well we thought so too, but apparently our mortgage broker neglected to add the “little extra”. We called him and discovered that the “Little Extra” was going to cost us more in interest than we were already paying at TD.

HUH?

“Well why would we leave TD in the first place then?” We asked Mortgage dude.

“We discussed this already, You agreed to it.” Says Mortgage Dude.

“Bull shit” We told Mortgage Dude.

Since we were in the Lawyers office any way we asked them in we could pull out at this point. We have not signed anything, so, yes we can pull out.

We are going to have a meeting with TD in a few hours and hopefully fix all of this and Investors Group can go fuck them selves. I am utterly amazed that this guy would try so blatantly to pull the wool over our eyes like that. “Ugh yeah, you agreed to this utterly outrageous rate of interest. Mmm.humm.”

That utterly outrageous rate of interest was never discussed and the financial product (rotating credit line) was specifically declined.

So in the scrambling I had to phone my work about two hours before my shift and beg off. When we found someone to replace my shift I got a call from the shift supervisor saying “could you please inform us at least 3 hours in advance about shift changes”

Hello?

THIS WAS AN EMERGENCY.

Emergencies are (generally) not planned. “Oh could I have next Friday off, I’m going to be in a car crash…”

ARRRRRRGGGGGGGHH!!!